"His Bright Light: The Story of Nick Traina," by Danielle Steel, 1998, Delacorte Press.

Anyone reading this book cannot help but be moved to both tears and laughter as Steel, a world renowned best-selling author, describes the serious manic-depressive disorder that killed her son when he was just 19-years-old. His official cause of death was "a heroin overdose." Long before he was a teenager, Nick started medicating himself with over-the-counter medications which, along with other signs, helped to alert Steel that something just wasn't right with her son.

Many people each day are diagnosed with manic-depression, also known as bipolar disorder with varying degrees of severity. Academy Award winning actress Patty Duke controls her once out-of-control bipolar "episodes" with regular medication, as does media mogul Ted Turner. Some people, such as myself, have a "mild case" of the disease. About six years ago, I decided to flush all my medications (Prozac, Librium and Restoril) down the toilet and start eating healthier foods. Very rarely do I drink alcoholic beverages or smoke marijuana, because both are depressants. I also force myself to deal with situations head on, and fight fire with fire. My battle plan has kept my life balanced to this day! However, it is common belief that people who are diagnosed with moderate to severe levels of manic-depression must remain on medication (oftentimes more than one) in order to survive. (Others believe medication and psychiatry are not always the answers, so I offer alternative resources to my readers on the sidebar of this column.) Unfortunately, all the medication, love, support, therapy, and hospitalizations did not save Nick. Considering how severe his problems were, it might be said that he was fortunate to see age 19, but that provides no solace to his loving family and friends.

In "Bright Light," Steel shares intimate details about a very precious young man who left this world way too soon. This phenomenal story, while very dark, helps the reader empathize with the Steel family for what they endured with Nick. It also provides a wealth of information for any family or individual struggling with mental health or chemical dependency issues. One of the real highlights of this book is that Steel shares some fascinating writings from Nick's journals that she did not become aware of until after his death, some of which I will share in this column. In the book, she talks about the fact that if the journals were "discovered" while he was alive, perhaps his life would have been saved, because Nick's writings really held the key to what was going on in his mind. Steel, as any good parent should, respected Nick's privacy 1000 percent and refused to "snoop."

In 1978, Nicholas Traina was born to Steel and a man named Bill (who, ironically, had severe chemical dependency problems of his own). Steel writes in her book that Nick was "a huge baby, weighing 10 pounds, 1 ounce." Nick developed quickly and caught onto things so early in life that family and friends often told him, "You're incredible." As a young toddler, when asked for his name by admiring strangers, he would respond: "I'm incredible."

At age five or six, Nick dressed up as a rock star. In high school, he took to the stage at a lip synch talent show as a rock star. Also, in high school, he dressed up as Prince on Halloween. Eventually, Nick became a very talented and successful ska punk rocker, founding two bands: Link 80 and Knowledge (see the sidebar for more information).

Here is an entry from Nick's journal in 1992 (at age 14), published in Steel's book: "I have two identities. Essentially, one is good, one is bad. Right now, all I want is to decide which one I want to be, and be it. There's even a third identity there: the impatient one who wants me to decide."

Another entry: "When I do die, I want to be remembered as a strong person who was able to turn their life around without threats or scoldings, who did it on his own accord. I want to be remembered for the person I want to be, not for the person I was."

At about the same time, Nick wrote this spine-tingling note in his journal: "Demons kick their way into my head, spinning and laughing. Senses are dead. They giggle and pinch me, their evil nails digging into my flesh. I twist away, retching, coughing up vomit colored blood, dying . . ."

During one of many hospital stays, Nick's journal entries were titled: "The Quiet Room," "Need," "Fucking Rotters," "Indecisions," "Tired," and "Forget That Shit." One of his final journal entries was in August 1997: "No matter how much I put in the bank every day, I wake up broke every morning." He died on September 20, 1997.

According to Steel Nick wore a ring for many years that was "a bright shining star, as he was." Steel now wears the ring every day and had copies made for his siblings, other family members, and some close friends.

"His Bright Light" is one of the most dynamic and inspirational books I have read in a very long time.

No Butts, No Speedos, No Pot!

On the liter side, about six months ago, I discovered a really cool web site: Webshots (WS), part of the Excite.com family. Not only can one store photos or pictures on the WS web site (which includes a really neat software program (MyPhotos Assistant), but WS also has software (WebShots Desktop) that can be installed on one's computer for extensive screen saver and wallpaper manipulation.

Well, I began to upload hundreds of photos that I had collected from the net or had taken myself relating to Keanu Reeves, River Phoenix, other movie stars, and even gay related stuff. The very day after uploading these pictures, I was perturbed when I received an e-mail from WS stating that they deleted at least one of my photos, one of which was a bare ass shot of Keanu. At the time, I figured I am a guest in their home, so I let bygones be bygones. However, I did feel the deletion of the photo was silly, since it in no way was obscene, pornographic or offensive.

Then, just the other day, I decided to upload a bunch of Eminem photos, because I am a huge fan of him and all. Many of the photos showed Em giving the middle finger to photographers, and one showed fellow musician Fred Durst giving the bird. I also uploaded some gay and pot related photos. The very next day, I received an e-mail from WS stating, in part: "Webshots strives to be a site where people of all ages and backgrounds can enjoy photography. It is sometimes necessary to remove material that is likely to offend certain people or that may be inappropriate for children. We remove any type of pornography, full or partial nudity, sexually explicit material, and violent material that can appear in photos, cartoons, drawings, etc." WS stated in the e-mail that they also delete photos that are known to be copyrighted.

I figured for sure that they had deleted the "bird" photos. Because WS does not tell a user what they deleted, the user has to investigate and figure it out for themselves, which can be rather time-consuming. I finally figured out that WS deleted a picture of Kyle Bradford (of "Tom Cruise boyfriend" rumour fame) who was wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos! The second photo they deleted was a picture of a poster from "Reefer Madness," the cult classic 1938 movie. Go figure, right? Ironically, while surfing WS just prior to writing this column, I found all kinds of pictures of marijuana leaves, and lots of underwear shots where a man's manhood was clearly outlined in his briefs OR some pictures where a huge thatch of pubic hair was visible! I guess the WS Gestapo is being remiss in their duties, eh?

Just before going to press with this column, I received yet ANOTHER e-mail stating that they had removed one additional photo I had recently uploaded. This time I immediately responded and suggested that they show some common courtesy by informing the user what pictures were deleted so that users know what types of photos not to upload in the future. I also pointed out to them the discrepancies in their deletion tactics. I can't help but wonder if the picture of Kyle Bradford in a Speedo was deleted because of the Tom Cruise controversy, because Bradford is a former gay porn star, or because the photo may be copyrighted. After all, inquiring minds want to know, right?

Imagineering

I was having lunch the other day with a dear female friend of mine, E. Selma K., who used to teach students how to be teachers. During my childhood, E. provided a positive influence in my life during what some might term a "troubled childhood." The truth is that I was bored shitless with school since that setting did not give me room to be creative and imaginative, and apparently I was way beyond everyone else my age in thinking and knowledge. I was also very anti-establishment, and often rebelled against authority (and still do). Although both of my parents were very loving, supportive and liberal in their thinking, E. really understood my struggles and conflicts without the authoritative side of a parent.

The public secular school and private Hebrew school I went to were major obstacles for me when I was younger. I had the great fortune of meeting E. while sitting in the educational director's office of my Hebrew school because I was goofing off in class. Most of my Hebrew school teachers were very stern Israelis, spoke very little comprehendible English, had no sense of humour, and had no idea how to teach students. I was around 12-years-old at the time, and really had no patience for these types of teachers.

Anyhow, the director's secretary, Mildred, introduced me to E. and we hit it off famously. Instead of serving "detention" in the director's office, Mildred permitted me to go outside on the grass with E. where we talked about life. E. asked me to create a perfect "Dream School" or "Imaginary School" that I would like to participate in. She suggested I create it on whatever materials I could find at home and asked me to bring it back to Hebrew school the following week. Gee, a "homework" assignment that I would actually enjoy doing, for a change.

During my recent lunch with E., she reminisced about that day as though it were yesterday, when in fact it was 28 years ago! She said that in the middle of my drawing of the "Dream School" I had a swimming pool, and that it was distinctly labeled "Skinny Dipping Pool." She said that I had also drawn classrooms with no walls, and even co-ed restrooms. In the restrooms, I had drawn Kotex dispensers with "5 ¢" written on each dispenser. During my lunch, E. said she knew at the time that I had presented my drawing to her for "shock value," and that I was testing her because I did not know her well at the time. In recounting the story, she said that she remembers taking a long look at my drawing, nodding her head up and down in approval. She remembers saying to me, "There's only one thing wrong here. I think we can get 10 cents for the Kotex." I laughed like hell when she said this, because I didn't remember that part of the story. E. and I became very close and I have always considered her my teacher of life.

E. believes that she has the drawing of my "Dream School" somewhere in her home. When she locates it, I will definitely put it up on metroG for everyone to see!

Nader Haters Beware!

The president of the American Trial Lawyers Association (ATLA) recently made a comment in California Lawyer magazine that Ralph Nader "might need some protection" at the ATLA convention. In response, Aaron X. Fellmeth of Los Angeles writes to the magazine: "I will be happy to provide that protection and will cheerfully flatten any lawyer with the poor judgment to misdirect aggression at Ralph on account of Al Gore's feeble presidential campaign and the U.S. Supreme Court's naked power play in Bush v. Gore. If their common sense is so impaired that they would blame Nader, I suppose they will also be stupid enough to try to take me on." A reference at the bottom of the letter-to-the-editor, underneath Fellmeth's name, states: "Second-Degree Black Belt."

A Quote Worth Repeating

"So much of what is now being called sexual harassment isn't sexual harassment. In Yiddish, it's called kibitzing; kidding around. If you're walking the halls of your company with your sexual harassment radar ready to beep at any lapse of decorum, you aren't ready to play in the real world. Let's face it, the male sense of humor finds funny all that is basically scatological, meaning that the majority of male workplace humor is zoned in either bathroom jokes or sex jokes . . . They're boys. You're a girl. Just pretend they haven't gotten out of junior high yet and you'll begin to get the idea. You can't handle junior high school humor?"

--"Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever; The Making of a Happy Woman," by Judy Sheindlin (Judge Judy), 1999.

Crusader is a frequent contributor to 365Gay.com and is a regular columnist for our Los Angeles Affiliate MetroG.com.

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